Fall Up - oneshot
by rubie
Summary: Van reflects his views after Hitomi's departure.... he is struggling under his duties as king but at the same time, he is caught in an emotional turmoil and believes that he is going to break very soon...


why does this title sound so familar? Where did I hear it?.. humm... urgggggggg....  
humm.. tenses swap around a it... I think I screwed up somewhere in the middle -.-  
  
humm.. this kinda ties in with Crash and Burn... but its not intended. Faneila wasn't  
defeated here. It focuses on mostly Van's frustration... yet another one of those weird  
oneshots... kinda pairs up with Dying is Easy. Short author's note! ahahah.... ^^;  
  
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Fall Up - oneshot  
by Rubie aka Jenn  
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I always wondered what it would be like to touch the dust upon my skin. I always  
wondered how it would feel, to press my face against the earth. I always wondered what it  
would be like to lie on the ground and let its mud and slime coat my skin, tainting me,  
debasing me. I always wondered how it would feel to be trot underfoot. To lie down and  
let others walk over me. Has that ever happened? Of course not. Unless it was by myself.  
And I've trotted on myself hundreds of times.  
  
It feels good. Strangely, pain only brings a sense of satisfaction that I know others cannot  
provide. That I know they'll never dare. No one ever hits me. But self-inflicted  
punishments are foolish, or so everyone believes. No one has ever punished me like that,  
except maybe Hitomi. So it feels good to hurt myself. It is distracting, and it keeps the  
mind busy.  
  
But its never satisfactory to know that I'm hurting myself physically to relieve mental  
pain. That just makes me want to hit myself more. So its like a cycle, inflicting pain to  
relieve pain, but in reality, aggravating it. Pretty soon, I'm going to break.  
  
But no one has ever broken me. That's comforting to some extent. But those advisors are  
going to roar with laughter when they hear that I paved the road in which I followed to  
my downfall. To hell with them. I could care less.  
  
Then I often wondered, why do I hate myself so much? Is it because I cannot deal in a  
world of pretense? Is it because I hate this political game of the hunter and the hunted? Is  
it because the duties of King are eating away at me. since my strengh and wisdom is  
lacking? Or is it because of her? Because I insisted on her leaving me? Because I thought  
it would be better for her?  
  
If you're happy, Hitomi, then I'll be happy. No matter where, when, or how. Because I  
love you too much to be selfish.  
  
Who was I lying to then? Hitomi, my brother, or myself? Or maybe to Merle, who  
thought I need to rely on someone else. I'm too unpredictable, I need someone to help  
lead me in this unsteady road. I need someone to be an anchor. Merle tried to make me  
yield in my decision, but that only made it stronger. I don't need anyone. I am fine by  
myself.   
  
Now that is a lie.  
  
There are still times I wonder if she is truly happy in that moon hanging from the sky.   
  
And perhaps I needed to show my magnanimous spirit to my brother, to prove that I could  
let go of pride and help someone else be happy.   
  
I'm not selfish, Brother.  
  
I'm very considerate, Brother.  
  
I'm going to prove that I'm better than you, Brother.  
  
The very irony of those statements brings an unbidden smile to my lips. People are  
selfish. Its our nature. We hoard those things dear to us to keep them close to us forever.  
To violate that nature induces pain. Regret Guilt.  
  
Punishment.  
  
Pain.  
  
Regret.  
  
Guilt.  
  
Very interesting cycle though. Interesting the way my mind loves to torture itself.  
Interesting for my constant attempts at self-destruction. Very interesting.  
  
And people say I'm too stubborn to be broken.  
  
Damn fools.  
  
That's because I loath the idea that I may be broken by such idiots. I loath being pressed  
to my knees by those who are like vampires, sucking at my country's wealth. I loath being  
forced to yield to those who believe I am not fit to be king because of my age. I loath  
being forced to let them... those damned bureaucrats.... have their way. I never let anyone  
like them have their way. So when they yell and rage at me, it brings a sense of  
satisfaction to know that I am the one who made them angry.  
  
Yes... yell at me.  
  
Punish me...  
  
I'm already punishing myself...  
  
But its not enough...  
  
Its never enough...  
  
When they yell at me, it brings a sense of happiness. It alleviates me, knowing that  
someone other than me is hating me. It helps me forget the hate towards myself for  
ruining my own life. I made my own life miserable. And it makes me even more  
miserable to think that I desperately want to keep her for myself. I thought I am better  
than those lowly, greedy people, yet I suffer from the same flaws that tear at them. Am I  
really that selfish?  
  
I probably am selfish all along...  
  
So I want people to yell at me. I want them to accuse me. Because every time they attack  
me, push me, try and break me, make me fall, I grow stronger. Every time they push me, I  
feel a pang of satisfaction and rise to the occasion. Every time they try to punish me, I can  
truly suffer from the punishment I deserve. Then I can use this anger within me and turn it  
against them. I can tell them what absolute fools they are, but in reality, screaming at  
myself. I can tell them that I will never yield to them. I can walk my own path, pave my  
own road, to where ever it may lead. I won't give into their petty threats for money and  
territory. They can't break me. Because every time they push me...   
  
I fall... up.  
  
They can never push my face against the dirt. Only I can make myself do that.  
  
But its never enough.   
  
They never push me enough.  
  
Perhaps that's what makes me stubborn. Perhaps I need them to howl at me. Distract me.  
Make me focus. Force me to open my eyes and look at the present, instead of walking  
through dreams of the past.  
  
Yell at me...  
  
Rage against me....  
  
Hate me....  
  
Hate me....  
  
Sometimes, I really want them to strike at me. But I know they'll never dare. Only Hitomi  
ever did, and probably would still. And if I told her what I am thinking, she'll slap me for  
sure.  
  
Hitomi, I want to keep you by my side....  
  
I want to see you whenever I want to....  
  
I want no one else to see you but me....  
  
I want to lock you in a cage forever.... in a cage that only I have the key....  
  
That makes me want to hurt myself again. Gods.... I'm so selfish... I'm probably worse  
than those merchants. But instead of lusting for those pathetic metal coins, I lust for  
something that has a will of its own. That has its own right to live its own life. That has  
its own right to be itself.  
  
So I punish myself again. I don't even know for exactly what reason. Am I hating myself  
for letting her go? Or for wanting her to come back? That desperate balance between two  
extremes is a terrible place to linger. I can't decide why I hate myself. Those advisors are  
sure to roar with laughter. But they have every right to sneer at me.  
  
Punish me...  
  
Hate me...  
  
Hating myself...  
  
No one hates me more than I hate myself...  
  
And I hate myself for being selfish... yet I also hate myself for not being more so.  
  
For not claiming what I desperately want and need.  
  
For not letting myself be pushed.  
  
  
End  
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gomennasi, Van fans. But I love ripping people apart in fics ^^;;; And everyone has flaws;  
we are probably our worst critics because we know everything bad we did.. all those  
embarrassing mistakes of youth and much more so ^_^;;... so Van's thoughts were very....  
humm.... ^^;;  
  
This was actually written some time ago.. most of these oneshots were partly complete...  
just never finalized. This one is kinda weird.... -.-;; humm... my first attempt at actually  
addressing Van and Hitomi's relationship... although.. not very sappy... -.- umm.. this is  
the original Paper Wings story.... but there's already Paper Dream (ff.net as the newer  
draft -.-;; no repost this time... need to break that habit... . Arigatou, Penybright-san,  
for telling me that writing its rewriting! I'm using it a lot... I shouldn't post stories in such  
a hurry... I usually read through it, then after I post it, a ton of new errors suddenly decide  
to show up.... -.-;;) so it seemed kinda repetitive. oh well... as always, reviews are great!  
  
archive is reaaaally lagging. There's some great authors I wanna email but can't 'cause I  
haven't gotten the rest loaded yet -.- ; Term paper is coming up... urggg!! The awards  
haven't suffered a huge problem so far. Those who are going to nominate, nominate!  
There still more than a month =} Merle-san's doing a great job with the nomination  
tallying, thank you!! Check out the banners by Link-san too! Those are great! Thanks to  
all those who nominated and offered help, the awards are largely determined by the  
number of participants. Arigatou! 


End file.
